oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
