There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
