God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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