Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You have to summon your inner elephant
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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