he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
