he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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