"it" just moved
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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