I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
