I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
