"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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