Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
why do cheetos always look like penises
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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