Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
