i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
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