I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
