Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize