Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
