if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
