I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
