we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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