If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
