i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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