And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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