Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
