i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
