She said her name was "party"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
