You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
