toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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