I think I died a long time ago.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
