is your mom at the bar?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
How's work?
Spinning.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
