my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
