it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
