Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
