my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
