wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
