I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
