oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
