Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
