it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
