I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
