Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
