Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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