i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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