My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
