Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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