We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
