I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize