I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
