Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
