life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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