Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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