I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm just crazy horny about you
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
