when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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