I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
