I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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