barbara walters just said penis...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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