I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize