seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
