You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
