your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
