Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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